It is funny how the world works sometimes...I am having a bit of a rough "morning" out here today (it is technically afternoon by the sun), and it is all my own fault. The problem isn't with anything that I have done or haven't done out here, it is that I am out here at all! I am just SO ready to head home, and I still have more than a week left on the hitch. I am missing my kids...my daughter has a birthday next week (of course I will miss it), I have missed nearly the entire season of basketball, I am missing my daughter's first science fair, and I missed her riding her bike without training wheels for the first time. I miss so much for my job...to further my career. I sure hope that it is worth it somehow, as I am genuinely struggling right now to see the upside. It seems always that my personal life pays the price for my professional development. Has it always been that way in the world? I guess that prior to the Industrial Revolution there was little concept of "leisure time", so perhaps the development of the modern economy was good in that regard...but now that we have this leisure time how many of us really see much of it...we shoot back and forth to work, we crush ourselves into the gym so that our muscles don't atrophy as a result of our desk jobs, we place our kids in daycare to be raised by someone else, and we dream of the week long vacation we will take in eight or nine months...does that lifestyle make any sense? Sure, perhaps you have a nice car, a nice house, can afford for that week long vacation to be someplace expensive, and are looking forward to living the good life in retirement come 70 or 72. Doesn't sound like much of a life to me...
Interestingly, when I was a teenager I understood fundamentally that I was against grinding it out for the best part of my life for something good LATER...why not live it up when you are young...you aren't guaranteed longevity anyway?! Of course, as I have aged (and boy have I aged) I have taken on additional responsibilities, cares, and worries...I have kids now; in fact, I have the most wonderful kids in the world, and I want to provide for them materially, but more importantly I want to provide for them a life worth living. Not full of junk and stuff, but a life full of experiences, and love, and a sense of wonder. Is that what we are giving our children in these modern days in America? We try...I genuinely believe that we try, but I don't think we are making it...I should stop here and say that I don't think we need to go back to the Stone Age or anything...I am not a Luddite...I just think that I want a more natural and free childhood for my kids. I want rivers and forests and climbing and fishing for them...currently they have Wii and iPad and TV. I am overstating a bit; my kids play outside every day, when I have them we go to a park after school everyday, and when their mom has them she takes them out to play, ride bikes, and just be in the sun - she is remarkably fit, and so ensures that the kids get their exercise as well. I don't know what I am trying to say...I guess it is simply that I want my kids to experience a sort of pioneer upbringing, but in the knowledge that the modern world is right inside the door...I want them to have access to the profound beauty of Nature. I worry that they don't have enough open space in their lives...I worry that they will grow up to have asthma because the air quality is so bad in the city that we live in...I worry that they will grow up to fast and miss true childhood (school curriculum these days seem like they push the kids too hard, too early)...I worry about so many things when it comes to my kids.
Oh well, I don't know why today seems so much harder than in it has before, but there you have it...I guess that we all have good days and bad days. Actually, now that I have had my jog and eaten a little dinner, I do feel much better. I wish so much that I could just feel like everyone else seems to...they go through this life complaint free...it just IS their life and so it is okay. It is the same problem that I suffer from with religion...I just can't stomach the idea of FAITH...that something just IS. Why is it, what is it, where is it, and how is it? I have to know in order to understand something, and I must understand in order to believe...it is just my nature. I envy so much the faith of my family and friends who BELIEVE...it doesn't matter whether that belief is in God or Allah or Buddha or the Goddess or in nothing...their faith is a beacon for them in dark times, a rock to build a life upon. I just always feel afloat...perhaps it is one of the reasons that I have such a fear of putting down roots and settling into life for real...to bloom where I am planted, to refer to the old aphorism. I have a very good friend who lives in Arizona, and she has such a strong faith, and it brings her strength and conviction, and I want a little of that...she says that all you have to do is believe and faith follows. I have heard that before...my dad says basically the same thing...live as though you believe and soon you will believe. I haven't found it to be true yet, but I guess one can always hope.
Well, this post has become more personal than I normally go in for, so I am going to wrap it up there...come back tomorrow with a clear head and hopefully something interesting to report. Keep it real world...adieu!
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| Estes Park, CO...possibly my favorite place in the Lower 48 |
Interestingly, when I was a teenager I understood fundamentally that I was against grinding it out for the best part of my life for something good LATER...why not live it up when you are young...you aren't guaranteed longevity anyway?! Of course, as I have aged (and boy have I aged) I have taken on additional responsibilities, cares, and worries...I have kids now; in fact, I have the most wonderful kids in the world, and I want to provide for them materially, but more importantly I want to provide for them a life worth living. Not full of junk and stuff, but a life full of experiences, and love, and a sense of wonder. Is that what we are giving our children in these modern days in America? We try...I genuinely believe that we try, but I don't think we are making it...I should stop here and say that I don't think we need to go back to the Stone Age or anything...I am not a Luddite...I just think that I want a more natural and free childhood for my kids. I want rivers and forests and climbing and fishing for them...currently they have Wii and iPad and TV. I am overstating a bit; my kids play outside every day, when I have them we go to a park after school everyday, and when their mom has them she takes them out to play, ride bikes, and just be in the sun - she is remarkably fit, and so ensures that the kids get their exercise as well. I don't know what I am trying to say...I guess it is simply that I want my kids to experience a sort of pioneer upbringing, but in the knowledge that the modern world is right inside the door...I want them to have access to the profound beauty of Nature. I worry that they don't have enough open space in their lives...I worry that they will grow up to have asthma because the air quality is so bad in the city that we live in...I worry that they will grow up to fast and miss true childhood (school curriculum these days seem like they push the kids too hard, too early)...I worry about so many things when it comes to my kids.
Oh well, I don't know why today seems so much harder than in it has before, but there you have it...I guess that we all have good days and bad days. Actually, now that I have had my jog and eaten a little dinner, I do feel much better. I wish so much that I could just feel like everyone else seems to...they go through this life complaint free...it just IS their life and so it is okay. It is the same problem that I suffer from with religion...I just can't stomach the idea of FAITH...that something just IS. Why is it, what is it, where is it, and how is it? I have to know in order to understand something, and I must understand in order to believe...it is just my nature. I envy so much the faith of my family and friends who BELIEVE...it doesn't matter whether that belief is in God or Allah or Buddha or the Goddess or in nothing...their faith is a beacon for them in dark times, a rock to build a life upon. I just always feel afloat...perhaps it is one of the reasons that I have such a fear of putting down roots and settling into life for real...to bloom where I am planted, to refer to the old aphorism. I have a very good friend who lives in Arizona, and she has such a strong faith, and it brings her strength and conviction, and I want a little of that...she says that all you have to do is believe and faith follows. I have heard that before...my dad says basically the same thing...live as though you believe and soon you will believe. I haven't found it to be true yet, but I guess one can always hope.
Well, this post has become more personal than I normally go in for, so I am going to wrap it up there...come back tomorrow with a clear head and hopefully something interesting to report. Keep it real world...adieu!
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