This day has started out miserably...I didn't sleep but for an hour or two last night even though I was absolutely exhausted. I guess part of it is nerves concerning the deliverables that we are working on right now, also probably some excitement about the impending travel back home, but mostly it was my trailer mates. They are day shift people and just don't know how to be quiet...every one of them is a veritable bull in china shop. From 4:30 am onward they talk and bounce and slam their doors, and stomp up and down their metal stairs...in and out all morning. And if they aren't making it impossible to sleep the housekeeping staff is guaranteed to open the door at least twice...it doesn't matter that there is a "Do Not Disturb" sign on the door. In any case, when the housekeeper opened the door for the second time this morning at 7:45 am, I was done...I just couldn't fall back asleep. I lay there for a couple of hours thinking about how much I wanted to be asleep, but to no avail. So, I got up and went for a run...four miles later I came back, caught a shower, and I tried to lie back down but still couldn't sleep, so finally I just came into work.
Okay, the first paragraph is from yesterday...today has started much better with a full day's sleep, so the world looks better today. The deliverable that you have all been listening to me complain about is basically finished, so we are looking at smooth sailing for a while out here...of course I am leaving the field in three more days, so I won't get to enjoy it too much. Perhaps the calm will last through when I come back in five weeks or so.
So, I think that I may try to get back into indoor rock climbing while on break this time...I certainly have plenty of time for it, so why not. I have wanted to for a long time, but was shy about heading into the gym because I had gotten so completely out of shape...so, I neither did something that I truly enjoy, climb, nor got into better shape to do all of the things that I enjoy. It seems really stupid, right!? I thought about this senselessness a lot yesterday while I was running. You allow yourself to get out of shape leading you to abandon some of the physical activities that you once really enjoyed...at some point you decide that you want to get back into it, but are then too embarrassed about your shape to get back into it, actually condemning yourself to remaining out of shape. In this ways YEARS can pass, years stuck in a body that you don't relate to, don't feel comfortable with, and aren't proud of being the owner and inhabitant of. It seems such a stupid trap, to be so frozen by fear about what others will think, the judgments that they will make about you to continue being EXACTLY the thing you think they might judge you for being...I always thought I was a stronger, more self-assured individual than that, but I guess I was wrong. I have been doing a bit of growing lately though, as well as refocusing on making myself the person that I want to be and my life the life that i want to be leading, so I am adding this hobby back in. I don't care that right this moment I might look a little silly trying to rock climb...I understand that i will look a little out of place, but I don't care...I enjoy it, so I will do it anyway. And because I am going to big enough to do it anyway I eventually will look like I fit in again and will enjoy it even more as my fitness for the activity increases.
I have been reading more about living a simpler, less materialistic lifestyle lately, and I guess I have talked about it on this blog quite a bit...right now I am reading another book on the subject, and the things that it is talking about really resonate with me. I feel like I have been asleep for the last fifteen years or so, because I KNEW this stuff when I was leaving high school, but lost touch with myself somewhere along the way. I am almost embarrassed about it. Not to say that the post-high school me was a great guy, because in many ways I was not...I was irresponsible, self-centered, and a bit out of control, but I knew myself, my wants for my life, and my dreams very well. I lost touch with that deeper understanding of what I was really looking for out of this life for a long time, and I am glad to be waking back up and realizing that there is still time for the life (or a close approximation of it) that I really wanted to live...only it will be even better, as I have a family that was never anticipated by the younger me. I obviously can't re-embrace all of the dreams and expectations of youth, as I am quite certain at this point that I will not write the great American novel, be anyone famous or of interest outside my direct social circle, and will lead a life small compared to many in the world. It still has the potential to be the perfect life for me though...a life full of adventure, joy, experiences, love, and happiness.
So, I guess that is where I will leave it for the night, as it is getting really late to post, and I still have a lot of work left to do. Goodnight!
Okay, the first paragraph is from yesterday...today has started much better with a full day's sleep, so the world looks better today. The deliverable that you have all been listening to me complain about is basically finished, so we are looking at smooth sailing for a while out here...of course I am leaving the field in three more days, so I won't get to enjoy it too much. Perhaps the calm will last through when I come back in five weeks or so.
So, I think that I may try to get back into indoor rock climbing while on break this time...I certainly have plenty of time for it, so why not. I have wanted to for a long time, but was shy about heading into the gym because I had gotten so completely out of shape...so, I neither did something that I truly enjoy, climb, nor got into better shape to do all of the things that I enjoy. It seems really stupid, right!? I thought about this senselessness a lot yesterday while I was running. You allow yourself to get out of shape leading you to abandon some of the physical activities that you once really enjoyed...at some point you decide that you want to get back into it, but are then too embarrassed about your shape to get back into it, actually condemning yourself to remaining out of shape. In this ways YEARS can pass, years stuck in a body that you don't relate to, don't feel comfortable with, and aren't proud of being the owner and inhabitant of. It seems such a stupid trap, to be so frozen by fear about what others will think, the judgments that they will make about you to continue being EXACTLY the thing you think they might judge you for being...I always thought I was a stronger, more self-assured individual than that, but I guess I was wrong. I have been doing a bit of growing lately though, as well as refocusing on making myself the person that I want to be and my life the life that i want to be leading, so I am adding this hobby back in. I don't care that right this moment I might look a little silly trying to rock climb...I understand that i will look a little out of place, but I don't care...I enjoy it, so I will do it anyway. And because I am going to big enough to do it anyway I eventually will look like I fit in again and will enjoy it even more as my fitness for the activity increases.
I have been reading more about living a simpler, less materialistic lifestyle lately, and I guess I have talked about it on this blog quite a bit...right now I am reading another book on the subject, and the things that it is talking about really resonate with me. I feel like I have been asleep for the last fifteen years or so, because I KNEW this stuff when I was leaving high school, but lost touch with myself somewhere along the way. I am almost embarrassed about it. Not to say that the post-high school me was a great guy, because in many ways I was not...I was irresponsible, self-centered, and a bit out of control, but I knew myself, my wants for my life, and my dreams very well. I lost touch with that deeper understanding of what I was really looking for out of this life for a long time, and I am glad to be waking back up and realizing that there is still time for the life (or a close approximation of it) that I really wanted to live...only it will be even better, as I have a family that was never anticipated by the younger me. I obviously can't re-embrace all of the dreams and expectations of youth, as I am quite certain at this point that I will not write the great American novel, be anyone famous or of interest outside my direct social circle, and will lead a life small compared to many in the world. It still has the potential to be the perfect life for me though...a life full of adventure, joy, experiences, love, and happiness.
So, I guess that is where I will leave it for the night, as it is getting really late to post, and I still have a lot of work left to do. Goodnight!
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